As reported under my user name of Pyrus in The Guardian

Apple Mac LCII c. 1992
In 1992 I bought a Mac LCII with an earth shattering 4Mb of RAM and a 40Mb hard drive. I was to be liberated to create graphics faster, better and right on the bleeding edge.
Formerly I had sketched with pencils, I had embellished with Magic Markers, I had crafted prototypes, meticulously created key lines with scalpel cut tramlines and fine point draughsman pens. I had stripped film and acetate in and out of things. I had done this patiently through amendment after amendment and 1992 was the year it was all going to change.
Armed with a creative brief and a fortnight to deliver I scoffed at the nay-sayers who predicted the death of ‘real’ design, plugged the LCII in and switched it on.
I loaded PhotoShop, and Quark. I opened up the software. It froze and crashed. Launch – crash – launch – crash. I phoned the shop they talked about RAM and other things. I said “I see” but what I meant was “uh???”. They told me to “Zap the P-RAM”. Realising, by now that I was technically brain-dead, they explained that this was the equivalent of “giving the machine a good kick in the bollocks”. With fingers contorted onto the Command, Option, P and R keys all at the same time, I got my girlfriend to press the ‘On’ button. Three sets of start-up chimes and back came the desktop, apparently chastened by the having it testiculars zapped.
I launched PhotoShop – Crash – launch – crash -launch – crash.
After a week of this and lots of phone calls, I told the bloke from the shop to come and sort it out. He turned up and regailed me with stories of virtual memory allowing me to get 8Mb of RAM out of it and then sold me RAM Doubler – giving me 16Mb of RAM out of the thing.
A new week started. I launched PhotoShop. Yippee. It opened. I started to create things – I played with the stunning array of twelve fonts and marveled at how easily I could switch from one to another. I spent all day putting the basics into the my project, with each key-stroke I became more skilled and even had a couple of Eureka moments.
Then at about 10pm, it crashed and I lost all of it. I zapped it’s P-RAM repeatedly, metaphorically hoofing its nads with relish. The rest of the week went on in a similar fashion. I developed a nervous twitch where my left thumb and middle finger would simulaneously press the Command and the S buttons every two or three minutes. Even this would cause it to crash at times and the data would disappear. I would shout at it “Nooo! DON’T PLEASE…. I’ll zap your PRAM if you dare… Oh you Bastard”.
By Friday afternoon of week two, I had learned zap the P-RAM nonchalently by putting the stapler on the Command and Option keys while holding the P and R keys with one hand and drinking coffee with the other. I wanted the machine to think I didn’t really care and it was pointless trying to piss me off.
I also had to revert to the Magic Markers with less than two hours to deliver the visuals. Ironically I was congratulated on the more edgey style of graphics.
I stuck with MAC and I’m glad I did. But it was in 1992 that I started using the phrase ‘Zap it’ for any technical thing that went wrong. Apple’s legacy to me from that era is this phrase, now hard coded into my vocabulary. My love for Macs happened much later. Certainly at that time I hated the bloody thing with a passion.
Testing
Trying this plugin to publish WordPress posts to Facebook. It is not behaving itself at all.
I’ll put this post on my blog and it will automatically appear on Facebook and probably Twitter as well
Sent this to @FiBendall on Twitter when she had writers block over an article she was working on. I don’t think she was so convinced. Anyway, seems a shame to waste it.
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You know how sometimes you’re out walking the dog when a bunch of alien interlopers abducts you. Before you know it, you’re warped off to the planet Q’Zog in the Fourth Quadrant, your brains picked clean en route, only to have other vile experiments visited upon your person on arrival.
Yeah I know, it happens all the time. So what’s new? Well this week, during one of these otherworldly episodes, my alien hosts subjected me to experiments based on research into web-based social media patterns on Earth. It turns out that a few millennia back they went through the same thing themselves and were interested to see if we were making a mess of it all yet.
Eventually, I cracked under pressure and told them about spontaneous uptake, web 2.0, multi-channel integration, SEO benefits, corporate blogging, Mobile blah, micro blah, digital blah and so on. They rubbed their chins, nodded sagely and did that thing with the sides of their mouths that universally means “If only they’d bothered to ask us, we’d have told them how to avoid getting everything wrong”.
So I did ask them. “Where did social media go wrong for you guys?” Quickly followed by “…and do you mind if I pick your brains for a change ask your advice”. It seemed to do the trick. The big alien, the one who usually does all the cross-species sexual experimentation (but that’s another story) picked up his MacBook Core DecaQuadro, running OSMXM Sabretooth and fired it up. He pressed a few keys and Hey Presto! They launched qzogblog.com and clicked onto the category entitled ‘Social Notworking’.
And they talked me through the tale of woe that once passed for social media on Q’Zog.
Once upon a time the ordinary aliens of QZog found it fun to keep in touch and cement friendships through social media sites. A load of them sprang up – TrouserBook (they use a different body-part for speech and visual recognition), Twaddle (like us, there are lots of them with nothing important to say and they like to say it a lot), Flockr (they like pictures of sheep) and so on. Eventually people thought they could make money out of these sites with PPC and other propositions. In time, corporates started to notice that they were being cut out of the loop. No one was going to their websites to find out about their products. The alien masses were asking each other and liberating their buying habits. So the corporates moved in to try and find a place in this great new SpaceBook. And for a while all was well on QZog. But it didn’t stay that way.
The first problem was all about money; isn’t it always? Social networking, it seems, was just too difficult to monetize. Strangely, back on Earth, this dynamic is now beginning to show its face also. Google has begun to make less than optimistic noises about it. Google Chief Financial Officer George Reyes has said. “We have found that social-networking inventory is not monetizing as well as expected”. Which is Earth-speak for “Oh Shit”.
My alien hosts went on to talk about too many players flooding the market. Particularly white labeled channels (i.e. a site full of pre made functions which can be branded so that people can create their own versions of e.g. Facebook). The more this happens, the more dispersed and fractured the user base becomes. And sure enough, free, open source and plentiful white label options have also made it to earth
It was noticeable that my extraterran hosts were pretty ticked off with corporate intervention in social media. Over commercialization was clearly a killer in the Fourth Quadrant. What started out as a one to many tool, became a corporation to consumer tool and all the people got fed up with being sold at and went somewhere else. I thought about this for a while. Surely as social communities form, Earth’s marketers would not dream of piling in, taking over and crapping all over the experience. Would we?
There was a problem as well with inaccurate member data on sites. This is less important to socialization so users didn’t care. Additionally, identity fraud in the fourth quadrant led to users purposely loading inaccurate data. From a commercial perspective, this began to create problems; CRM is only as good as the data validity. All that effort aimed at the wrong people! Strangely, on earth this seems to be happening. Some say as many as 33% of users load duff info into their profile.
Another issue over in the Fourth Quadrant was the difficulty in measuring the effectiveness of these social media strategies. As with earthly hosting, if you want to deploy a campaign via a social network, you can’t access the host’s server data and logs by automatic right. You can manually monitor the interaction on the site, or measure click through, but it is almost akin to redeploying slate and chalk as a core technology.
Data privacy also started to unravel the network. You may think that this could not happen on Earth, what with all the regulatory concern and cautionary tales. But then again, Facebook had already been caught tracking and releasing user habits back to developers and others involved in advertising initiatives. And what if your average Joe Alien wants to leave. Well have you noticed that no matter how often you opt out or don’t opt in, the level of spam keeps going up? You have to think that the data options are being somehow abused. Surely not on Earth? Well think again, it’s a bit like a religious cult. Once you’re in, they don’t let you leave. These are the very things that eventually dissuaded Q’Zogians from joining social media sites and led to their abandonment followed by collapse of the network platforms.
Here’s a new phrase for all of us on Earth: “Social Network Fatigue”. It started on QZog with people getting fed up with maintaining multiple spaces on multiple platforms. It further manifested itself with people just falling out of love with the whole thing because, like nostalgia, it just wasn’t what it used to be. It might not sound like we have that problem down here, but on closer inspection, there are people writing PhD theses about it.
The QZogians also started to experience a slow-down in the use of social media platforms. It peaked over a few years and then declined. Perhaps because of the tedium of the operation, or something else happened, but it stopped being the next best greatest thing. And, you guessed it …Earth is seeing the same pattern.
The Q’Zogian saga continued to get played to me out like a Greek tragedy. Networks had inconsistent performance, companies got fed up with employees cyber-sciving, so they started locking social media sites outside firewalls. The sites variously suffered: scaling issues; user overload leading to downtime; hacking and scandal. The social media moguls largely fiddled with their Geek-Up PowerPoint presentations while their empires burned.
“So”, I asked. “If you had your time again, how would you make sure that this didn’t happen?”
“Easy” they answered “We could have kept it all together, increased the marketing value to business, re-enfranchised the users and made a packet on the way. We’ll drop by next week, pick you up and tell you how you get this entire social media gig right.”
“Oh and by the way…” they said as they dropped me back by my still walking dog, “… Has anyone talked to HP about their pay-per-post digital camera social media campaign on YouTube. It really sucks”