03 Sep 10 Phone hacking claims: John Prescott calls for police conduct inquiry
John Prescott today called for a judicial review of the conduct of the Metropolitan police force in relation to the allegations of phone hacking against the News of the World.
…makes you wonder what he’s got to hide
The former deputy prime minister was speaking after the paper confirmed it has suspended a journalist while it investigates new allegations of the unlawful interception of voicemail. The police have come under pressure after the New York Times quoted unnamed detectives alleging they had cut short their investigation because of their close relationship with the News of the World.
27 Aug 10 Christian behaviour Part 1 – Love thy Holiday, screw thy family
If you ever need to organise a religious ceremony, you might find out how little religious spirit all your church-going relatives have. Knowing that we don’t love our neighbours, we are learning that our brother-in-law (apparently soon to be made Lord Lieutenant of Cheshire – though I imagine he needs to screw over the existing one first) has a bit of the twat about him.
The story begins…
John the Baptist was doing river ducking on people who were old enough to know what they were getting into and big enough to hit him back if they weren’t up for it
So the kids decide they want to be Christened (in spite of my best heathen efforts). I’d put my foot down when they were born saying that it was a decision they could make when they were old enough. I have always been a bit confused about the child dunking ceremony. The Bible has John the Baptist doing river ducking on people who were old enough to know what they were getting into and big enough to hit him back if they weren’t up for it. But these days the Church tends to make sure any vestage of freewill is not available to the dunkee. Which I find bizarre in another way, since most of the questions that priests cannot answer about God, heaven, sin, belief, creation and all the other catechismal cataclisms, that prove their entire existence is a big fairy story, are universally answered by puffing out the chest and saying ‘That’s because God gave us freewill’. (Don’t even get me going on the inconsistent triad, Plato, the ontological argument or anything St Thomas Acquinas had to say about this, because it all amounts to no one having a clue. But the church invented a get out of jail card for awkward upstarts like me. It is called Freewill).
The further readings of David Hume, Anselm, arguments from design, cosmology and other remote parts of the county library have not really been factored in
Anyway, young as they are, the further readings of David Hume, Anselm, arguments from design, cosmology and other remote parts of the county library have not really been factored in by them. The big book with colourful pictures has as with and the big smiley lady with the dog-collar – and it all looks like nice songs, no one being nasty and good fun, so the Yateslets are signing up for it.
Your arse belongs to God or is it Santa (they look very similar, hairy, grey, big white beard, naughty list, angels/dwarves)
Baptism is a type of marketing. It is banned in any other walk of life. Imagine at three months old being, signed up by Lloyds TSB, or enrolled into the Labour Party. Mind you it doesn’t take long before you are ‘burgered’ by MacDonalds usually with complete disrespect for your parents wishes because some other kid has an E Number birthday celebration at the shrine of Ronald MacDonald. The point being that, like MacDonalds, your religious choice is designed to be made for you before you know whether you are a rock, a plant, a mollusk or anything else. It makes sure that whatever else, you are a Christian and your arse belongs to God or is it Santa (they look very similar, hairy, grey, big white beard, naughty list, angels/dwarves) although only one of them is an anagram of ‘Satan’.
Stay away from the spawn of the devil, namely: Catholics, Presbytarians, Unitarians, Seventh Day Adventists, The Osmonds and Tom Cruise
I guess Baptism is indoctrination. It is a ‘water mark’ that says, “You’re ours, your parents have made this decision for you, and this means that by circular reference you now have to ‘honour your mother and father’ so don’t go believing those pagan Jews, Muslims and Buddhists. And you really need to stay away from the spawn of the devil, namely: Catholics, Presbytarians, Unitarians, Seventh Day Adventists, The Osmonds and Tom Cruise.” In our case, we purposely didn’t make the decision for our children, they went all Jam and Jerusalem on us via the local C of E primary school.
We are organising a bloody event that we would not choose to go to if we were invited
So, carrying the burden of our childrens’ freewill amply about our shoulders we go about defending their right to it by organising a bloody event that we would not choose to go to if we were invited.
Carolyn spent weeks sorting out a mutually suitable date for the kids, the vicar, and three sets of god parents (you have to have three), two sets of grand parents, two uncles, two aunts, a mixed bag of cousins, two children, two parents and God of course, who we are assuming will have some kind of divine version of Microsoft Outlook and will have received an invite from the vicar. All the humans are scattered across two countries and five counties and God of course from an entirely seperate plain of existence.
And the date was thus carved in stone, money paid, paperwork completed, party organised and everyone knew where and when they were supposed to be. Until Bobby Skittle (my brother in law) goes into arrogant fuckwit mode (actually these days that is his only setting – arrogant fuckwit bordering on boorish bore).
More later…
10 Aug 10 Stoke City seek Graphic Designer. Take the advice of a senior designer, don’t apply
Stoke want a Graphic Designer. There is a side to me that would drop my senior marketing and design management role and take that job. Or at least there was until I read the ad. Those of us who have trekked for many years along the design career path will all warn against jobs advertised like this. Let me translate:
There will be no bounds to the variety of shit shoveling
Job ad: We require an artworker with design flair who is VERY good at the following:
Translation: Artworker = shit shoveller. Design flair = shit shovel in a pretty way.
Job ad: Producing spot on, accurate work for: press ads, print material, online work and Keynote presentations when needs must.
Translation: There will be no bounds to the variety of shit shoveling you will have to do *NB, the mention of Keynote suggests that this is a job on a Mac, so PC only users probably need not apply.
‘Deadline’ will be everyone else’s favourite word
Job Ad: Working under pressure, getting things sorted pronto.
Translation: ‘Deadline’ will be everyone else’s favourite word, as in ‘We’ve been thinking over the last couple of months about this situation and we’ve decided that a 48 page prospectus is what’s needed – have it ready by Friday – that’s a deadline’. This phrase always means someone has been sitting on something for weeks, not having done anything about it and will then rush out a crap brief and will shout at you to get things done last minute. They will then blame you because it is impossible and is bound to fuck up.
Job Ad: Top communication skills with all members of staff.
Translation: Mind your Ps and Qs around everyone else, no matter who they are.
Job Ad: Supporting the marketing team.
Translation: No decision making in this role – just do what you’re told
Most people’s chairs will be worth more than your design kit
Job Ad: Having an eagle eye for detail.
Translation: Everyone else is shit at spelling, but it’s your fault if you don’t spot their mistakes.
Job Ad: Working with Quark Express 8.0, Adobe CS3 Suite, Keynote, InDesign, Photoshop, Flash.
Translation: The software is years out of date, which means the hardware is even older. Most people’s chairs will be worth more than your design kit. This lack of investment in your position is a reflection of where you sit in the order of things.
Job Ad: Being flexible and nice.
Translation: You know what, sometimes one of the administrators will want you to do something really demeaning, like lick, stick and stuff envelopes. You will do this and smile about it too.
Key skills include:
Job Ad: Extensive knowledge of – Photoshop, Illustrator, Indesign, Flash, Microsoft Office Suite and Dreamweaver.
Translation: You will be competent with the software tools of a Graphic designer and know how to use the other stuff on the computer as well, including advanced multimedia and animation in the form of Flash and also Dreamweaver, the industry standard web design package.
Job Ad: HTML/coding experience, with the ability to create mini sites/custom HTML newsletters and then update content.
Translation: You will also know how to do Web design at a coding level. You clearly don’t have to be a qualified web design, because a qualified web designer costs a lot more in wages. What we are looking for is a fully experienced web designer – spending at least 50% of their time on this, but we only want to pay bottom of the scale graphic design rates. So you will have spent lots of time acquiring these highly sought after skills, which we want to harvest, but we have no intention of rewarding you for that aspect of your work in any equitable way.
Job Ad: The role involves a split between web and print design, so a good knowledge of both is highly important.
Translation: As above, you are actually required to be a web designer and a graphic designer as well but we only pay you for the cheaper skill set.
If it all goes wrong. That’s where you fit in
Key Tasks/Responsibilities:
Job Ad: To work well as part of the Marketing Team, producing artwork for all club departments and some external partners when required.
Translation: Just about anyone, inside the club or in fact outside the club will be able to tell you what to do.
Job Ad: Will work alongside our in-house design agency, providing them with all information and artwork they may need, and to give support where needed and vice-versa.
Translation: They do the creative stuff and have all the power in terms of strategy and direction. The in-house agency guys, however, have none of the responsibility if it all goes wrong. That’s where you fit in.
Job Ad: The successful candidate will need to manage a hectic workload, prioritising as you go and sometimes finding quick but successful solutions for projects that require a very fast turn-around.
Translation: Everyone dumps lots of problems on your desk that they can’t solve and it’s your fault if you can’t solve them either. It doesn’t matter which order you do it all in, someone will always be on hand to tell you to drop everything and give them priority.
Your the indian, everyone else is a chief
Job Ad: Be able to take direction well, whether that is working form a detailed brief, or if you are given a task to do that requires you write your own.
Translation: Just do what you’re told and don’t argue, if someone gives you a duff brief, then it will be your fault for not being psychic and you will be labeled an idiot for not using your initiative..
Job Ad: Open to feedback from colleagues, managers and also from our external agency, and must be able to take this on board to produce something better.
Translation: Your the indian, everyone else is a chief. They will all give you a different reason why they think everything you do is shit. You will have to agree with them to that end. And, while you are the only qualified and experienced designer in the place, you need to get used to the fact that your opinions are not as valid as their own. To put it in a nutshell, they think that are actually better at your job than you are. You will resolve their many conflicting and confusing levels and types of criticism, agreeing with them all, berating yourself for your own shitness and somehow make them all happy in the end.
Qualifications/Experience:
Job Ad:
* Educated to GCSE level
* Higher Education/College/Graphic Design or similar
* Educated to BA(hons) level or similar achieving a 2:1 or higher
* Any marketing experience or education would be advantageous
* Would be preferable to have worked in the industry before in an in-house design role but not essential as all applicants will be considered
* Will need to show quality examples of past and current work (ie portfolio)
Translation: Perfect collection of University education with bags of experience in far better roles.
Job Ad: If you think you can do all of the above please send your CV with salary expectations to DELLA.BIRCHALL@STOKECITYFC.COM.Closing date 20th August 2010
Translation: We’ll pick the one who pitches their salary lowest
this job description spits revenge
This advert says more about the relationship they had with whoever was previously in the job. I imagine they left under a cloud, leaving someone having a truly jaundiced view of designers. And this job description spits revenge. It is written like a spiteful letter to the previous designer.
As a job description, it sucks on so many levels
As a job description, it sucks on so many levels. No decent designer is going to apply based on this ad. They will at best attract someone so poor at what they do, that they will simply perpetuate the vindictive feelings that the management clearly have for people who design for a living.
It does explain why most things produced by Stoke City are so poorly designed. They really should employ a senior designer, based on that designer’s experience and portfolio and then give them a brief to develop a design standard, brief the organisation about that standard and allow them to roll that out across all communications. If they need some junior designers to help, than that is fine, but to employ a junior to do all this is both unfair, unrealistic and will ultimately create poor design and a miserable designer, disillusioned in this role and their chosen career.
01 Aug 10 Part 3: Shaz Twattock and Jeremy Chino-Chambrayshirt come to pass judgement on our garden
Last week our neighbours, The Twattocks, came back from holiday and (probably as a matter of course) came to snoop round our garden to make sure we were not doing anything they wouldn’t approve of.
Part 2: The Bullying Behavour Of Our Neighbours Mr and Mrs Twattock
Unfortunately we were doing some garden landscaping and this made them very cross. They wrote us a letter telling us in no uncertain terms that we were to be ashamed of ourselves, probably evil and most definitely in contravention of all sorts of laws.
I said ‘okay’ I really should have said ‘fuck off and mind your own business’
We went to speak to them and Shaz Twattock (teacher by profession) did a finger-wagging thing at my nose repeating all this. I was actually quite restrained and used words like ‘reassure’ and ‘profuse apologies for any lack of courtesy’. I subtley tried to push back and did say that if they wanted to put a pergola or some such up in their garden, then it would not really be any of our business. But she didn’t really choose to understand the point.
She announced she would be bringing a surveyor round on Monday to pass judgement on all this. I said ‘okay’ I really should have said ‘fuck off and mind your own business’.
Apparently it suited her to saunter all over our garden with her surveyor on Friday morning
Monday came and Monday went – no surveyor. Then Shaz showed up on Wednesday choosing not to talk to us, the householders and property owners, but instead to our garden contractor. Apparently it suited her to saunter all over our garden with her surveyor on Friday morning. It was as though she was purposely going out of her way to treat us like shit.
Carolyn handled it and went to speak to her. Bizarrely, in every way, we agreed to the visit. Carolyn again asked them to park their 4×4′s in a safer way. Shazza explained why they parked like this. Apparently Stevie Twattock, her husband is very bitter about all the disruption and noise the insurance company builders made in 2009. As a result he finds this type of petty activity satisfying. I assume he is trying to piss us off and generally he has succeeded.
Interestingly, the surveyor, it turns out, was a ‘mate who is an engineer’. ‘Surveyor’ sounds very official and a bit legal. ‘Mate who is an engineer’ sounds like nothing I am going to pay any attention to anyway. Carolyn asked her what her objective was. Shaz said she wanted to know what the implications for her property might be. Carolyn asked her ‘with a view to what action?’ Shaz didn’t know. She’s a primary school teacher, perhaps the notion of answering secondary questions with anything other than a finger-wag and a ‘now behave’ comment is beyond her.
The day after, I did wonder whether I should call a halt to the whole arrangement. Carolyn suggested that we should let them blow themselves out. They cause so much danger and trouble to us with their bloody minded parking antics, but since Carolyn’s chat the 4x4s had retreated to a considerate distance, so we went with it. I suggested that as soon as they had got their way with their inspection of our garden the bloody cars would be back again. ‘Maybe’ said Carolyn
My mouth said, “Okay” my mind was thinking, “You lying fucking bitch…”
So Shaz Twattock and her engineer, Jeremy Chino-Chambrayshirt, came to pass judgement on our garden. They were due at 8.00am and sure enough at quarter to nine they showed up. I had prepared a small intro.
“Before we start, I need it to be understood that this exercise is not to do with stopping, altering, delaying or in any way changing this gardening project of ours.’
“David” Shaz replied in the most patronising of voices, “This was never about that, we would never try to interfere with anything you do within your own property”.
My mouth said, “Okay” my mind was thinking, “You lying fucking bitch, I have a letter from you saying precisely that you wanted to interfere with what we were doing”.
Nevertheless, Jeremy Chino-Chambrayshirt was clearly an advanced practioner of chin-scratching. I showed him this and explained that and answered a load of questions and each time he scratched his chin and said nothing other than “I see”. And then they went.
Within an hour the cars were back crowding out access and view to the drive.
Shazza and Stevie – what a pair of Twattocks.
25 Jul 10 Nasty neighbours
Don’t you just hate it when someone thinks that whatever you do is subject to their approval simply because they live next door.
“Errr , did you know your house just got flooded?”
As a family we have had our share of bad luck, not least getting flooded out of our house in 2007 and being unable to return until 2009. During that time, the place was initially derelict and then a massive building site for about a year. From time to time we did spare a thought for our semi detached neighbours. They had exchanged contracts to buy their house an hour or two before it actually flooded. The previous owners laid a cheap carpet over the mess and did a runner, not informing the new owners of the flood. In fact our first words to them was something like: “Errr , did you know your house just got flooded?”. They didn’t.
And sure enough, they sold up and fucked off – the best day of our entire experience of living next door to them
The previous family had moved in a couple of years before the flood. They extended their boundaries to maximise its value. In the process they made our drive an almost impossibly narrow channel. They shoved a conservatory near the boundary of the two properties with the windows looking straight onto our garden. They were generally fairly abrupt and not at all concerned about our inconvenience; why should they be? They were just looking to maximise value, sell and leave the pissed off neighbours behind them. And sure enough, they sold up and fucked off – the best day of our entire experience of living next door to them.
The new couple seemed nice enough. But our experience of living next to them started out with us moving out of our flooded and wrecked house. I think I first met them as I was waiting for a lorry to come and take our belongings to a landfill site. Concurrently they were getting out of a removal van to find out that they were moving into a flooded property.
When we did see them, the strain showed.
So we moved out – our place being uninhabitable and they stayed put. As the next two years progressed, we were conscious of their situation. We told the builders not to upset them while they were at work on our house. And sure enough, day after day they became massively upset at the noise, holes coming through the party wall, their wooden floor was wrecked, cracks in the walls and more. The skips outside the property inconvenienced them and tore the tarmac up, noise, noise and more noise. And during this time they even had a baby. When we did see them, the strain showed.
Cheek-by-jowl living was never going to become cheek-to-cheek
And in the year since we moved back into the house, we have found that it clearly has left an indelible mark on their attitude towards us. I get the feeling that they hold us personably responsible. From a rational perspective, this is completely unreasonable, but it has clearly gone beyond that and they are now emotively extracting their revenge for their two years of hell – our hell not really being anything that concerns them. Clearly, from the moment we moved back in, cheek-by-jowl living was never going to become cheek-to-cheek.
Either grow up and act like adults or move out
But it’s all very petty. He wears a permanent scowl and she goes from greeting to whinging within two sentences. They have two (sometimes three) huge 4×4 vehicles plus their parent’s people carrier. As a matter of course they park these so close to our narrow driveway that it takes a three-point-turn to get out. It makes us invisible to passing vehicles. On three occasions passing traffic has screached to a halt as we pull out of our drive and narrowly missed our vehicles slowly emerging from behind a huge block of Mitsubishi military metal 4×4. I think the speeding bus was perhaps the scariest incident – it certainly made the kids scream. We have tried the concilliatory approach, the ‘please could you…’ approach and the ‘okay lets just not let it get to us’ approach. But it is not a friendly relationship, which is a shame really.
I think we could have ignored this pettiness in the hope that eventually they would either grow up and act like adults or move out. That was until Thursday.
14 Jul 10 When it all goes wrong
I have been listening - to an album called The Defamation of Strickland Banks by Plan B lately. It is the sad tale across thirteen songs of a man whose life goes from bad to worse all because he stayed somewhere too long and didn’t know when to just let go and leave it all behind.
It makes you think when your own life goes wrong how much of a spiral you can get into. Since the floods of 2007 which took the house apart, and ultimately led to the business faltering. The level of personal stress and strain has taken its toll on my health and the amount of money I ended up owing was so frightening that I could not bear to answer my phone or open letters.
Weirdly, all this time later, I have started answering my phone and all the people I thought would be threatening and demanding and frightening, like banks and credit card companies and solicitors and so on have all been really understanding. They have been really helpful and not scary at all. I still have to sort out the problems, but I want to do that and draw a line under it and they are actually very understanding and seem quite good about it.
If you’re in the same boat, just talk to them.
27 Jun 10 The bond of trust between Football team and football fan
England’s team traipsed out of the world cup having offered up a series woeful performances throughout the competition. They were made to look ordinary, if not outclassed, by minnows of world football from Algeria, USA and Slovenia. Then, as soon as they came up against a real team in Germany, they were dispatched, with the ease of a sledgehammer on jelly.
The national sense of shock has been amplified because we have had months of speculation about this being the golden generation. And the golden generation’s golden boy was Wayne Rooney. 2010 was pencilled in as the year the world would see his magnificence. For all the talk of Messi and Ronaldo and other ‘world class’ players, England had Rooney. The Henry V of our times going forth to to the breach with the blast of war blowing in our ears, to imitate the action of the tiger; stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood and so on.
But instead of Henry V, closing the wall up with our English dead, we got Horrid Henry going missing when he should have been doing football with the rest of the world. In fact the whole sorry bunch of individuals shuffled together into matching shirts and pushed out of the tunnel, conspired to insult the memories of men like Bobby Moore and Stanley Matthews. Men who were knighted for services – outstanding services – to football. The entire team looked like overpaid show ponies who probably thought other teams would wither and fade in front of the power of their celebrity. Instead they came up against teams ready to play football in the spirit of like Moore and Matthews while Rooney and co thought they were in a TV episode of ‘Celebrity Posing on Grass’.
And what of the saviour of English football? No one could really answer that. The most remarkable contribution Rooney made to the competition was his impetuous complaint that the crowd were booing him. Perhaps he expected the producers to have briefed the crowd to clap wildly – just like in the script. But a fan earns less in a two years than Rooney earns in a week. The crowd have given up their holidays to come to South Africa and watch. The crowd, spent money on their credit cards that they will still be paying off when the next world cup starts in four years time. The crowd did it because they were doing their bit. They were there to add decibels to their debt and would have come away accepting a quarter final place, happy with a semi-final place and believing that we could, given a bit of luck, made the final and even won it.
There is a bond of trust between players and fans. We send them out in our name. The best of the best of what our nation can offer. We see our own identity and character in their performances. Because in our name they give of their all, fight, bleed, suffer injury and pain. These are our hailed heroes and representatives on the pitch. We give them celebrity status, they are gods of sorts. They are rewarded with riches beyond our wildest dreams and that is acceptable because they carry the dreams of a nation.
We do our bit as well. We kick every ball, feel every injustice celebrate every goal for and feel pain at every goal conceded. We know the misery of defeat. And deep down we know we can win the world cup. We bitch, debate, complain, argue and passionately display out support in every manifestation.
What happened to the England supporters in South Africa and at home was disgusting. The most expensive collection of footballers in history, with the best manager, the best preparation the best of everything contrived to fail. It was meticulously bungled through a mix of arrogance and inertia. The crowd will turn on these players. They will hound them out of South Africa, boo them back into Heathrow and boo them at every game they show up at next season. They will do this, not because the team lost, but because they did not try, they were inept, woeful, pathetic and in doing and being so, they have abused our trust.
Rooney World Class? Don’t make me laugh.
21 Mar 10 Learn something new no.7 – Last military action involving the longbow | #LearnSomethingNew
Courtesy of http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/
I strongly advise everyone to read this true story of Lieutenant Colonel (Mad) Jack Churchill – it is quite remarkable.
The last person to kill an enemy with a longbow in action against the enemy
It may be tempting to think of the Longbow as something used at Agincourt in the reign of Henry V, but the longb0w was used at least once in World War II By a British Officer, successfully killing a German soldier with it. The bowman, one Lieutenant Colonel Jack Churchill, known as ’Mad Jack’ Churchill was the sort of eccentric Englishman we like to think of as typical, but clearly they are atypical. Nevertheless, they are so remarkable that they imprint themselves upon our vision of own national character. Mad Jack went into battle with all the weaponry of 1940′w warfare, as well as a Claymore sword, a longbow and arrows and often bagpipes. His assertion that any officer who went into battle without a sword was ‘improperly dressed’. In later life he learnt to surf and was the first person to surf the River Severn’s tidal bore.
14 Mar 10 Learn something new no.6 – Sleep | #LearnSomethingNew
Learn Something New
Humans spend one-third of their lives asleep. A newborn child in a family will provide its parents with 400-750 hours lost sleep by it’s first birthday. The current world record for tsleeplessness is 11 days. This was set by an American, seventeen year old student in 1965 called Randy Gardner.
On some associated research:
- Heavy snorers get less sex.
- Rats deprived of sleep will die before those starved of food.
- Humans start yawning as foetuses 11 weeks after conception.
- Pythons require about 18 hours of sleep per day.
09 Mar 10 Learn something new no.5 – Water (and a bit about me and David Bellamy) | #LearnSomethingNew
David Bellamy (wearing some of the Rohan gear that I probably sent to him)
A long time ago, David Bellamy and I knew each other vaguely. He was a big fan of Rohan (clothing) and given that he was a regular on TV back then (late 80s), we were happy to clothe him and even took some inverted pride in his ‘Worst Dressed Man’ award. As Rohan’s Marketing Manager, it was part of my job to send all the gear to him. I later wrote articles in magazines, including one entitled ‘How Green Is Your Clothing’ for Outdoors Illustrated. I rang David to get his view on the subject and he kindly gave me an hour on the phone tutoring me in why cotton, natural as the plant is, can actually be an environmentally disastrous crop. The reason? It take 17 tons of water to produce 1 ton of cotton – cotton production is the reason that the Aral Sea in Russia effectively dried up.
Remembering this, I thought few other facts about the planet’s life giving fluid might be worth learning:
- It takes 120 gallons of water to produce one egg.
- A person can survive without food for more than 30 days, but less than a week without water.
- A gallon of water weighs 8.34 pounds.
- For every 2.31 feet that water is raised above the earth’s surface it can create one pound per square inch of pressure.
- The average household uses 107,000 gallons of water per year.
- It takes 1,851 gallons of water to refine one barrel of crude oil.
- It takes 1,500 gallons of water to process one barrel of beer.
- 95 percent of the world’s cities still dump raw sewage into their water supplies. Thus it should come as no surprise to know that 80 percent of all the health maladies in developing countries can be traced back to unsanitary water.
