I win a bet if more than a hundred people log on. Thanks

I have lost my marbles. Please help if you find them, give me them back.

The BBC did not employ Ross or Brand because of their ability to stick within socially acceptable boundaries, in fact they employed them partially because of their inability to do so. The BBC gave these two airtime, knowing that it is likely to offend certain types of people, mainly the self appointed holier than thou - the modern day Mary Whitehouses.

That is the joke: the naughtiness; the irreverence; the unashamed offensive bluntness of it all. Brand has made the same claims before about Rod Stewart’s daughter - where was the furore then. Every week on BBC1 Ross insults, offends and effs and blinds his way through a TV show and the BBC condones that.

But it doesn’t matter, because the BBC protects us. The show is not live and there are mechanisms in place to cut it if it gets too close to the bone. The problem is not what was said, but that it was not cut by the BBC.

Besides, the claim they made was apparently true - no one is talking of libel here. You might as well have a news headline that reads “Russell Brand Has Consensual Sex with a Young Actress” - it’s not even newsworthy until he says it himself.

This is an exercise in blaming leopards for having spots. The BBC employed these people to do just what they have done. Modify, advise and slap their wrists if necessary, but this sort of extreme discipline for doing what they have been employed to do, simply because it inevitably offends people, is shameful.

The BBC has a rich heritage which has given us the genius of Hancock, Milligan, Python and others. Each in their time offended and shocked and each are considered, years later to be comedic genii. The BBC might just have trashed so much of what it has been great at delivering over the years.

Ironically, only women are able to make a genuine diagnosis of man-flu. It is ironic because women cannot get man-flu but only they can spot it.They also have no idea how bad it is and that it is potentially life-threatening, always incapacitating and very painful, which is probably why they find it hard to show much sympathy for the man-flu sufferer.  

This lack of clear understanding makes it important, once the diagnosis has been made, to take it upon yourself to do something about it.

Do not hesitate, act quickly and take your condition very seriously.  Above all, you must believe your wife’s diagnosis and take her exactly at her word.

 

1. Go to your bed immediately.
2. Do not go to work, stay in bed doing nothing more strenuous than reading or watching TV.
3. You are, at this stage, in peril of letting your health deteriorate to dangerous levels. Now, more than ever, all that stuff at your wedding about “…in sickness and in health” actually amounts to a binding contract. Remind your wife of this, and you should take the opportunity to outline some of her specific contractual responsibilities:
   • You should not, under any circumstances, undertake any domestic or child-care duties, your wife can do those for you.
   • Under no conditions can you prepare food or refreshments for yourself, your wife must do that for you.
   • Your wife will need to plump your pillows each hour to stop further discomfort.
   • You must not get cold so your wife will need to serve hot whiskey toddies regularly to your bedside.
   • She should leave the bottle with you because keeping up your liquid intake is important.
   • It is absolutely vital to boost your morale at this difficult time. It is therefore fortunate that blow jobs are not further detrimental to the health of the man-flu sufferer. Impress upon your wife how essential this is, she will need to understand that you require several of these a day.

“Young Roger moved to Hanley Swan and during a few drinks down at The Swan one Thursday night ended up handing over £100 to a local farmer for a donkey. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer phoned and said, ‘Sorry Rog, but I have some bad news, the donkey’s dead, it got hit by a convoy of Audis driving through the village.’

Rog replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I spanked it all acquiring a leisure boat business in Upton Marina.’

Roger said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘Where are you going to keep it?’

Roger said ‘I know a bloke with a camper van, I’ll stick it in there’

The farmer asked, ‘But it can’t stay there forever. What are you going to do with him?’

Roger said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘Raffle off a dead donkey?!’

Roger said, ‘Yeah. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Roger and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

Roger said, ‘I went down to the school and got the teacher to get all the kids to sell raffle tickets to win their own donkey. I sold 500 tickets at two quid a piece and made £997.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Roger said, ‘Just the guy who won, some bloke who works at Waitrose. I just gave him his two quid back and an extra quid to keep him happy.’ “

Courtesy of my Brother -in-Law, Duncan Bendall….

‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.’

Thomas Jefferson 1802

Hello… crackle…come in… is anyone there…. calling Earth…

I am Dave from a plant called Realitus.  We are our own planet very much at the centre of our own universe. You my friends, are just a distant dot in the night sky. You may have burnt out long ago - frankly we don’t care.

On Realitus we are a race of communicators (web, WordPress, Print design and so on). The most sacred thing on our planet, the Holy Grail of communication, is knowing what to say to people at just the right time and in just the right way to be genuinely helpful to them.

To this end, three of our commandments are as follows:

 

1. If you are the answer, what is my problem?
2. You’re obviously in it to make money. What’s in it for me?
3. You can say one thing well, two things half as well and three things badly. This self-penned mantra has served us well over the years.

 

In short, you need to show that you understand my situation and problems; demonstrate that you can supply something of value to me; do it concisely and with impact.

We do a lot of business with the people of Earth. They are very egocentric. The first line of their constitution is

“Enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?”.

They are also constantly short of time and culturally they are all selling something and buying nothing. It is interesting that 71% of businesses on Earth fail within a decade of starting up. Our hypothesis is that they are so obsessed with trying sell their own ideas, that they don’t take the time to learn what people want to buy.

So what is the point of all this. Can all these bloody self-appointed coaches, experts and others stop sending me emails that tell me how bloody great they are. Instead could we have emails from people who can understand that we need money, customers, sales and aspirins and we need them right now. Could those people tell us where we find these things and explain how we do it and show why we can afford to pay them and where the return on that investment will be. And for the love of JC, can they do it in less than 5000 words of self-aggrandising bollocks.

 

Thank you. As the song goes, “Back to Life, back to Realitus”

Lots of modifications needed. ‘Friend’ Richard has just busted me over this article and so a bit of political editing in red has been necessary

 

 

At the risk of being labelled a misogynist, there are times when I need to curl up in the foetal position and scream but not because of my wife.

Why, when I answer one of her questions with an answer that she might not like, does she then give me wise council think of dozens of other ways to ask the same question? And then ask these questions repeatedly over months if necessary? What on earth makes me so irritating her think that the answer is going to be any different the hundredth time than it was the first time.

And there is the contradictory understanding behaviour. I know if my wife feels guilty about something tired (usually the tidiness of the flat) because she shouts at me is quiet and pensive. She is the messiest busiest person in the UK and she knows that I know and appreciate it, as does everyone who knows her. But when because she keeps the place is a mess so tidy, she shouts at me often gets worn out. Not because I have a go (unless tidying up myself counts as having a go), but because she knows she has made most of the mess and therefore she feels guilty. Ergo sum, let hubby have both barrels.

And the shouty tired woman thing drives the rest of us mad makes us all feel so concerned. Why is it when the kids shout and scream it is a cause for her to be concerned she is gentle and caring- and seek professional psychological advice about them. But shouting, screaming, slamming things, huffing and puffing and petulant snideness is apparently perfectly excusable for her They certainly could not have picked it up from her. I cannot describe believe the intense screaming and shouting that went on this morning because my son had jeans and a tee shirt on and she wanted him to wear shorts and a different tee shirt. What’s the problem? Let him wear what he wants. He’s only going to the child minders and it will all wind up covered in food and grass stains anyway. other people apparently go about doing.

I know that this sort of thing is unreasonable. But we don’t get to talk about it, I say let’s tidy up, we end up talking about me working long hours. I say let’s go out for the weekend, we end up talking about who goes to the supermarket more often. I say anything, we end up talking about everything else and deciding nothing. It’s probably me. I really need to brush up my act.

I have also noticed how unified women can be in these matters. Faced with a group of women, you might hypothetically mention that one of their friends throws plates at their husband and all the others will instantly lose all sense of independent thought and immediately fall in behind the plate-chucker. They will usually all talk loudly and often all at once for fear of letting anyone else (especially a male) have any other point of view. They will ultimately decide that it was entirely the husbands fault and ceramic projectiles were a measured and appropriate response. That is, until any male in the room leaves. They will then decide that the plate chucker is indeed mad and that they all knew it deep down anyway. The depth of reason and logic is indeed something to behold in the fairer sex.

Women will nag and men will get headaches. It is never to do with the rights and wrongs of the point in question, it is the bloody nagging. Sooner or later men have a choice to make. If you acquiesce, it doesn’t work - you still get nagged about the way you do it. If you ignore it, you still get nagged. If you go out to escape the onslaught, you get nagged when you get back. It clearly drives some men to violence. It is driving me to insanity. It is mental torture. make valid suggestions and more fool the man who does not listen and act accordingly.

There are few worse things in life than a hangover. They don’t come so frequently as they used to, the sobriety of age has something to do with it. Nevertheless, yesterday I awoke with one and a process I first began to develop at the age of sixteen some thirty years ago kicked in.

 

What is a hangover?

First of all we need to understand what exactly we are dealing with. As I understand it alcohol is many things. A stimulant, a depressant, an anesthetic, a toxin, a major cause of dehydration and an addictive narcotic.

It’s immediate effects are as a stimulant. You drink, you feel stimulated. You drink more, you feel more stimulated. You carry on until you are as stimulated as a newt.

However, the happy sap will wear off and the depressant effect is in inverse proportion to the earlier level of stimulation. In other words, the merrier you were last night, the more of the downer effect you will feel this morning. You have a pint at lunchtime, you feel a bit drowsy in the afternoon. You have ten pints on a Friday night and that is going to make you pretty lethargic all weekend.

Also you will notice that at some stage during the stimulating revelry, a level of disorientation kicks in. The lights are a bit shouty, you are dizzy, you can walk, but not straight, you can talk, but even less straight. It also has a disinhibiting effect. You are brash, less embarrassed and inclined to acts and speeches of bravado, ever-lasting friendship, love, aggression and so on. It amplifies your feelings and makes you act like a tit.

Often another facet of the alcohol shows itself at this stage. The toxins in the alcohol break through and your body begins to realise that this stuff is actually poison. Your body’s reaction to being poisoned is to expel the stuff. You may be urinating more frequently anyway, but that is simply because you are taking more liquid on board and in any event, most of that is water which is actually not helping in some respects. Your body would rather like you to vomit instead, or pass out in order to stop you drinking the stuff while it deals with it.

Now all the while this is going on, the alcohol is acting as a dehydration agent. Your body is mainly water and the alcohol is spiriting this stuff away. Your brain being 78% water, before alcohol, shrinks as the water content is sucked out of it. That gives you a particular sort of headache that hangover victims the world over will recognise.

There are other effects that reduce the level of many minerals in the body and all manner of other things that, particularly over the long term, will convert your brain to candy-floss, your liver to spam and your complexion  to a martian mountain range.

The Hangover Cure

I say Hangover cure, but curing the damn thing is actually not possible. All you can do is try to accelerate the phases of the hangover until you are out the other side.

1. Waking up.

Waking with a hangover is a dangerous thing. If you move, your shrunken dehydrated brain will crash from one side of your skull to the other. The experienced hangover campaigner will know to remain still while running a series of checks to establish the severity of the hangover. But the advice is to move slowly. Good idea to run some situation diagnostics:

Where am I? My bed? Another bed? Hotel? Jail? Doorway? Somewhere else?

Is anyone else here? What gender? Who are they? What state of dress are we all in?

Can I remember anything about last night?

Do I need to go to DEFCON 1 and make a rapid exit?

Assuming you are in your own bed either with someone you know, who you like being in bed with or otherwise alone, move onto the next phase.

2. Pathology Report

Head hurts (dehydrated brain).

Dry mouth (dehydrated everything else)

Sweaty and stinking. This is not really sweat as you know it, it is alcohol and kebab seeping out through your skin.

High temperature. Your body is in toxic shock and is effectively running a fever.

Nausea. As above, you are in toxic shock and your body wants to get this stuff out now.

 

3. Action

Brace yourself, this hangover is going to eventually require movement and not a little bit of disgusting action. Your objective is to get as much stuff out of your body in any way possible.

First of all get to the toilet. If you can, put your fingers down your throat and make your self vomit. This is the DIY version of having your stomach pumped. Any remaining toxins in your stomach can be got expelled in one go. Apart from addressing the ongoing problem, this will also make you start sweating which expels more of the crap from your system and will make you tired and want to fall asleep again.

It is unlikely that you will be able to urinate at this point, but do so if you can and move all last night’s curry through your bowels as well, this will take more toxins with it.

If you do feel sleepy, take the easy route and get back to bed. You will wake up later, feeling a little better. Remember to take some pain killers. I have tried them all. I find Anadin Extra the right ones, though everything from Alka Seltzer through have their benefits. Note the time so that you know when you can safely next take more.

Okay, now this is where your other half can help. You need to have sex. You can do it yourself or with someone else, but you need to do this. It will keep you sweating, and more of the toxins get expelled along with anything else that gets expelled. It also helps to send you off into slumber and sleep is a great cure for most things.

4. Filling Up

When you wake, you need to run a scorching hot bath and climb into it. Apart from anything else you will be stinking of vomit, alcohol, sex and sweat and you’re going to need a wash. The hot bath will also get the metabolism moving. You will sweat more, and you will be able to lie there feeling sorry for yourself for a while.

When you get out about an hour later, you need to get dressed, because you are gong to have to get some supplies. You can wear what you want, as long as the colours are muted - loud colours and hangovers don’t go together. You will need sunglasses to keep the light out of your eyes and to keep from being recognised. An iPod with gentle music playing to protect you from loud noises is also a good move. Go to the nearest shop and buy a large bottle of Lucozade (chilled), half a dozen eggs, a loaf of sliced white bread, some cheddar cheese and make sure you have enough supplies of Anadin.

Get back and start drinking Lucozade. At some point breakfast will be necessary. You now need to eat cheese on toast with two poached eggs on top. NB: You will spend the rest of the day wanting to eat savoury foods like pasties, sausage rolls, and so on. Do not resist.

 

5.Finally

Then go back to bed. An hour later you should be ready to meet your mates for a lunchtime drink at the pub.  

I have heard many hangover cures over the years and none of them seem to make much sense to me. This one has been tested over thirty years and it is the closest I have come to the alchemy of hangover curing. 

As for other cures, well they probably work for some people. Certainly I’d rather stick my fingers down my throat than drink raw eggs and Worcestershire Sauce – I imagine they have same ultimate result. Hair of the Dog has got to be the hangover version of pouring fuel on the flames. And if anyone can tell me what “hair of the dog” means I would be grateful. I know it refers to having another drink to cure the hangover, but every time I ask what the phrase actually means someone says “hair of the dog that bit you” as if that explains it. It doesn’t.

What has any of this got to do with rabid dogs and hair anyway? This is about pain and suffering.

Found this on Wikipedia:

Scientists have long known the therapeutic benefits of writing about personal experiences. Blogs provide another convenient avenue for writing about personal experiences. Research shows that it improves memory and sleep, boosts immune cell activity and reduces viral load in AIDS patients, and even speeds healing after surgery.

On the other hand it does your eyes in, deprives you of sleep, knackers your back and encourages you to graze on rubbish while you are doing it.