27 Jul 11 Gordon Ramsay’s Fucking Formula

Gordon, tonight we watched your Kitchen Nightmares USA. Actually, Gordon, we seem to watch it every fucking week. No Gordon, calm yourself. I must confess, I am not really a fan. In truth, we’ve lost the remote control. But Gordon, we do watch and I am dismayed. Dismayed Gordon. Gordon you may be working on the premise that once seen, no one would bother to watch the programme again. But for us Gordon, it is different. We have seen it more than four times. And Gordon, once you’ve seen it once you’ve seen it once you’ve seen it once you’ve seen it once you’ve seen it once you’ve seen it once too fucking often.

Gordon, to be fucking brutal (which I know you’ll appreciate) there are no fresh ingredients. It’s mechanised, mass produced, rehashed and reheated before being served to several dozen people on a distant digital channel. You’ll probably appreciate that metaphor Gordon, but will you find your own formulaic recipe a little tedious?:

1. Gordon shows up at a restaurant and says “Fuck off”
2. Gordon eats some food and says “Fuck off”
3. Gordon tells everyone to “Fuck off”
4. Gordon shows up the next day and tells everyone what’s wrong with them before telling them to “Fuck off”
5. Gordon watches them all make a mess of serving for an evening and says ”Fuck off”
6. Gordon sends in the interior decorators then tells them (restaurant owners not decorators) to swap their Duck a l’Orange menu for fish fingers then forces the waiters to tell the sou chef to ”Fuck off”
7. They all think Gordon is a genius and so he tells them to ”Fuck off”
8. They make a complete arse of themselves so Gordon shouts “Fuck off” and this makes them do it right just in time
9. Gordon walks off down the street and says ”Fuck off”

Every fucking week, Gordon, every fucking week. Maybe once you could sing some Fats Waller or interview Frank Lampard. Perhaps you could tell us something we don’t know, like why your face is too big for your skull, but no Gordon. You try to shock us all by saying ”Fuck off” even though it’s the stylistic equivalent of tinned custard.

Anyway. We had soup and crisps for tea. We made it ourselves (not the crisps, they came in a bag from the supermarket) but we made the soup and it’s not difficult. The thing is Gordon, what separates me from you, is that while I too can rehash, reheat and reproduce a given style, I can also make soup without saying ”Fuck off”