29 Oct 09 I’ve found Grandma stuck in the Motherboard

Oh I think I’ve found a grandma
Inside my motherboard
She was frying up the chip set
And shouting at The sound card

She hijacked the internal buses
And took them for a ride
And before she could jump off
She was at it with the main drive

But Grandma didn’t know
If she should wipe or copy
So she looked inside it’s bytes and bits
Saying “Is your drive hard or floppy?”

“Illegal operand”
The computer verified
“You must be corrupted
Access is denied”

“Bloody piece of junk”
Grandma answered seething
“Please shut down” the computer said
“My CPU Overheating”

“Your CPU, YOUR CPU?”
Said Grandma with a thwack
“Don’t you mean the ‘slotty box thing’
With spaghetti round the back”

“Does not compute Does Not Compute”
Computed the computer
“UNMOUNTABLE_BOOT_VOLUME:
Please reboot your router”

“If I reboot you’ll know it”
Said Grandma exasperated
“What’s the router anyway?
It’s all so complicated”

“The router’s by the phone
It’s the ugly device
That will not match the wallpaper
and has lots of flashing lights”

“Well why did you not say so”
Answered Grandma going insane
“You’re supposed to make life easier
But you just hurt my brain”

“Callibrate your monitor”
The computer rudely beeped
“Do what?” said gran “Try again
In English if you please”

“In fact stop, you bloody box of wires
While I give you a lesson
Put yourself on stand-by
For an interactive session”

You will not call me ‘user’
I don’t approve of drugs
You will not accuse me of illegal operations
and make me feel like a thug.

I don’t ‘login’, I switch on
I don’t ‘key-in’ I type
It’s not a monitor, it’s a telly
It’s called ‘computer phone’ not Skype

If you have a virus,
Kindly keep it to yourself
I’ve lived three score and ten
In largely perfect health

I really don’t appreciate
Meaningless error codes
If something’s wrong, soldier on
It’s how we won the war you know

And finally would it hurt
Sometimes to just say ‘Please’
Now shut up, power down
And make me a cup of tea.”