and his Coffee-Break Brain-Dump
- Aries You will develop bed sores and a deep admiration for Dundee Cake
- Taurus You are planning a dream holiday at the moment but you will be falsely imprisoned for war crimes (and incidentally the holiday company will not let you have your deposit back)
- Gemini Sadly, it turns out that of all the people you’ve ever known, the only one who has your best interests at heart is the dead singer Roger Whittaker.
- Cancer For some reason, all your plans for life are left in tatters. But console yourself; the person you love is saved from the pain because they are on a plane, with your life savings in a suitcase, to meet their lover on a Pacific island
- Leo Love is in the air for Leo this month. Watch out for an old man with halitosis wearing a grubby raincoat and a Nike baseball cap. he will avoid direct eye contact and fiddle around in his trouser pockets a lot. This is your new soul mate for eternity.
- Virgo On the 28th of the month you will fall into a threshing machine
- Libra Your plans to set up a single-cell organism farm in Patagonia hit a set-back when the amoeba stampede.
- Scorpio You’ll be ruled unfit for trial, but they seem to think you’re just fine for sentencing and execution.
- Sagittarius Your plans for retirement are severely tested having spent the last twenty years unemployed, you worry that the change in lifestyle won’t suit you.
- Capricorn You have to stop worrying about what everyone else says, especially nonsense like “You should dress better,” “Nice people don’t do that,” and “Put down the gun and release the hostages.”
- Aquarius You’ve always thought of yourself as the ultimate cat person, but you’ll change your mind this week after you are caught and prosecuted.
- Pisces You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people’s deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.
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