03 Aug 08 Hangover Cure

There are few worse things in life than a hangover. They don’t come so frequently as they used to, the sobriety of age has something to do with it. Nevertheless, yesterday I awoke with one and a process I first began to develop at the age of sixteen some thirty years ago kicked in.

 

What is a hangover?

First of all we need to understand what exactly we are dealing with. As I understand it alcohol is many things. A stimulant, a depressant, an anesthetic, a toxin, a major cause of dehydration and an addictive narcotic.

It’s immediate effects are as a stimulant. You drink, you feel stimulated. You drink more, you feel more stimulated. You carry on until you are as stimulated as a newt.

However, the happy sap will wear off and the depressant effect is in inverse proportion to the earlier level of stimulation. In other words, the merrier you were last night, the more of the downer effect you will feel this morning. You have a pint at lunchtime, you feel a bit drowsy in the afternoon. You have ten pints on a Friday night and that is going to make you pretty lethargic all weekend.

Also you will notice that at some stage during the stimulating revelry, a level of disorientation kicks in. The lights are a bit shouty, you are dizzy, you can walk, but not straight, you can talk, but even less straight. It also has a disinhibiting effect. You are brash, less embarrassed and inclined to acts and speeches of bravado, ever-lasting friendship, love, aggression and so on. It amplifies your feelings and makes you act like a tit.

Often another facet of the alcohol shows itself at this stage. The toxins in the alcohol break through and your body begins to realise that this stuff is actually poison. Your body’s reaction to being poisoned is to expel the stuff. You may be urinating more frequently anyway, but that is simply because you are taking more liquid on board and in any event, most of that is water which is actually not helping in some respects. Your body would rather like you to vomit instead, or pass out in order to stop you drinking the stuff while it deals with it.

Now all the while this is going on, the alcohol is acting as a dehydration agent. Your body is mainly water and the alcohol is spiriting this stuff away. Your brain being 78% water, before alcohol, shrinks as the water content is sucked out of it. That gives you a particular sort of headache that hangover victims the world over will recognise.

There are other effects that reduce the level of many minerals in the body and all manner of other things that, particularly over the long term, will convert your brain to candy-floss, your liver to spam and your complexion  to a martian mountain range.

The Hangover Cure

I say Hangover cure, but curing the damn thing is actually not possible. All you can do is try to accelerate the phases of the hangover until you are out the other side.

1. Waking up.

Waking with a hangover is a dangerous thing. If you move, your shrunken dehydrated brain will crash from one side of your skull to the other. The experienced hangover campaigner will know to remain still while running a series of checks to establish the severity of the hangover. But the advice is to move slowly. Good idea to run some situation diagnostics:

Where am I? My bed? Another bed? Hotel? Jail? Doorway? Somewhere else?

Is anyone else here? What gender? Who are they? What state of dress are we all in?

Can I remember anything about last night?

Do I need to go to DEFCON 1 and make a rapid exit?

Assuming you are in your own bed either with someone you know, who you like being in bed with or otherwise alone, move onto the next phase.

2. Pathology Report

Head hurts (dehydrated brain).

Dry mouth (dehydrated everything else)

Sweaty and stinking. This is not really sweat as you know it, it is alcohol and kebab seeping out through your skin.

High temperature. Your body is in toxic shock and is effectively running a fever.

Nausea. As above, you are in toxic shock and your body wants to get this stuff out now.

 

3. Action

Brace yourself, this hangover is going to eventually require movement and not a little bit of disgusting action. Your objective is to get as much stuff out of your body in any way possible.

First of all get to the toilet. If you can, put your fingers down your throat and make your self vomit. This is the DIY version of having your stomach pumped. Any remaining toxins in your stomach can be got expelled in one go. Apart from addressing the ongoing problem, this will also make you start sweating which expels more of the crap from your system and will make you tired and want to fall asleep again.

It is unlikely that you will be able to urinate at this point, but do so if you can and move all last night’s curry through your bowels as well, this will take more toxins with it.

If you do feel sleepy, take the easy route and get back to bed. You will wake up later, feeling a little better. Remember to take some pain killers. I have tried them all. I find Anadin Extra the right ones, though everything from Alka Seltzer through have their benefits. Note the time so that you know when you can safely next take more.

Okay, now this is where your other half can help. You need to have sex. You can do it yourself or with someone else, but you need to do this. It will keep you sweating, and more of the toxins get expelled along with anything else that gets expelled. It also helps to send you off into slumber and sleep is a great cure for most things.

4. Filling Up

When you wake, you need to run a scorching hot bath and climb into it. Apart from anything else you will be stinking of vomit, alcohol, sex and sweat and you’re going to need a wash. The hot bath will also get the metabolism moving. You will sweat more, and you will be able to lie there feeling sorry for yourself for a while.

When you get out about an hour later, you need to get dressed, because you are gong to have to get some supplies. You can wear what you want, as long as the colours are muted – loud colours and hangovers don’t go together. You will need sunglasses to keep the light out of your eyes and to keep from being recognised. An iPod with gentle music playing to protect you from loud noises is also a good move. Go to the nearest shop and buy a large bottle of Lucozade (chilled), half a dozen eggs, a loaf of sliced white bread, some cheddar cheese and make sure you have enough supplies of Anadin.

Get back and start drinking Lucozade. At some point breakfast will be necessary. You now need to eat cheese on toast with two poached eggs on top. NB: You will spend the rest of the day wanting to eat savoury foods like pasties, sausage rolls, and so on. Do not resist.

 

5.Finally

Then go back to bed. An hour later you should be ready to meet your mates for a lunchtime drink at the pub.  

I have heard many hangover cures over the years and none of them seem to make much sense to me. This one has been tested over thirty years and it is the closest I have come to the alchemy of hangover curing. 

As for other cures, well they probably work for some people. Certainly I’d rather stick my fingers down my throat than drink raw eggs and Worcestershire Sauce – I imagine they have same ultimate result. Hair of the Dog has got to be the hangover version of pouring fuel on the flames. And if anyone can tell me what “hair of the dog” means I would be grateful. I know it refers to having another drink to cure the hangover, but every time I ask what the phrase actually means someone says “hair of the dog that bit you” as if that explains it. It doesn’t.

What has any of this got to do with rabid dogs and hair anyway? This is about pain and suffering.

Tags: alcohol, brain, bravado, dehydration, depressant, disorientation, dizzy, downer, effect, hangover, hangover cure, newt, night, sobriety, stimulation, toxin, vomit